Death and Dying

A person is dead when he or she stops breathing and the heart and brain permanently stop functioning. A dead person cannot see, hear, taste, touch, or smell and has no awareness or feelings.

Everyone on this earth shares two experiences: we are born and we die. Someone dies about every 20 seconds. Most of us know someone who has died. But we do not generally like to think about death or talk about death or even acknowledge that we all die. Around the world throughout the ages, death always has been a source of mystery and fear.

How Do We Understand Death?

Our reactions to death often depend on how someone has died and how old they were. The most easily understood are deaths at an old age, when a person's body simply wears out. But others die before their bodies wear out, and sometimes people die with no advance warning. Illness, injuries, natural catastrophes, and violence all can cause early death.

Sometimes people, including children, have to face their own deaths. They may have a terminal illness, a disease or condition that eventually will cause death. Psychologists and physicians who have worked with families in this situation believe that honesty and love from others are very important at this time. People with terminal illness and their families need to understand the effects of the illness and find ways to express their feelings about it. It helps to talk about it, enjoy time together, and help with caregiving.

What Is Grief?

Grief is the wide range of feelings that accompany a death, such as shock, sadness, anger, and confusion. Even when we know ahead of time that someone is going to die, it does not necessarily soften the impact. It still may be difficult to believe that the death has occurred and hard to imagine life without this special person. When the death is sudden and unexpected, the shock of the news may make it hard to come to grips with the reality. Such shock can take a while to fade. Most people need comfort and support while they grieve, either from their personal circle of family and friends or from clergy, therapists, or support groups.

Adjusting to the terminal illness or death of a loved one is a gradual process, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of the landmark On Death and Dying (1969). When normal life (1) is disrupted, people first go through a stage of denial (2), acting as if nothing in their lives has changed. Denial may be followed by anger (3) at the unwanted changes, and by praying or bargaining (4) such as "If I never fight with my sister again, Mom won't die." Sadness and depression occur when the loss sinks in (5). Acceptance comes when a loss has been mourned. Acceptance is not a happy feeling, but it does give people the strength to go on with their own lives (6).

How Do Children Cope with the Death of a
Parent or Sibling?

When a sibling or parent dies, everyone in the family suffers. Very young children may not fully understand what has happened and that the death is permanent. Children feel many of the same feelings that adults do when someone dies: shock, sadness, or confusion. Children often personalize a death, asking, "Will it happen to me?" or "Did I cause this to happen to someone else?" A death can stir up fears: "Will I get cancer too?" or "Is it safe to drive?" A child may wonder how the death will alter his or her life: "Will Mom remarry now that Dad has died?" or "My brother died. Will we have to move?"

Sometimes it is hard for young people to understand their own feelings and reactions to death. Grief can cause people to lose interest in things that they normally enjoy, or they might avoid situations that used to involve the person who died. Reactions like these are normal. Finding someone to talk with (a family member, friend, or trusted adult) usually helps young people understand their feelings and eventually accept the death.

How Do Adults Cope with the Death of a Child?

As with the death of a parent or sibling, the death of a child causes extreme sadness and distress in a family. Whether the death came suddenly or gradually, parents often struggle with guilt that they could not prevent their child's death or even that they outlived their child. Sometimes, after a death, parents might feel the urge to move or change their lives to avoid situations that remind them of their dead child. Most experts say that this is not the best course. As the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kiibler-Ross notes, it is usually healthier to face and acknowledge the pain, rather than avoid it.

How Do Rituals Help People Cope with Death?

Funerals, memorial services, and burials are generally held a short time after a death and sometimes on the anniversary of a death. These cere- monies are often sad and difficult to attend. But they help people to ex-press their feelings, take comfort with others who are grieving, and pay tribute to a person's life. Funerals or other rituals—such as planting a memorial garden, writing, enjoying the person's interests—help people stay connected to the person even after the death.

An Egyptian mummy dating from about 1000 B.C. , that shows the outer decoration of the coffin and wrapped body inside.

The Bridgeman Art Library

What Happens After Death?

No one knows what happens after death, and people have many different beliefs about it. They might believe that people go to heaven when they die. Some people believe that a person's "soul" lives on and that the "spirit" goes somewhere else after death. Still others believe in rebirth or reincarnation, with the soul continuing its life in another person. Some people do not believe in a soul. Even in the face of these unknowns, most people take comfort in the natural cycle of life and death and find meaningful ways to enjoy the memories of people who have died.